Life Lessons of a Maddened Libertine

and hope to bring more to the fore.  Once again.

I am performing a Satryine Rite the night of December 20th.   Originally, I wanted to do the entire weekend, however, arrangments fell through.  So, on that night, with fireplace and den stacked high with wood, floor and environs covered in leather and fur (pillows included) I am performing a right of masculine indulgence propigated through the filter of the embodiment of male virility, Herne/Cernnunos/Horned One/Green Man what have you.  I have begun brweing the suitable concoctions and trying to attain other things to help shift the participants into a sexual hedonistic and head-trippy excitement to spend a few 10 to 12 hours in gnerating power of male potency and funneling it to set some new power bases for the new yeat. 

No women.  Then again, this is why I posted here and not in other places. 

I have tried to contact some of you, but not too hard, considering that most of you are heterosexual males, and I no longer have possession of a bevy of women upon which for you all to feast.  However, I have no problem with any of you attending, in fact, if you can read this, you are invited, however, I will not feel bad if you choose not to attend, or respond for that matter.  Its more for re-locating and reveling in my own sybaritic nature than anything.  Just wanted to get it out there. 

QOD::What man orgy would be complete without copipous amounts of alcohol, candy and an orgy? 

I mean, in a clarion shout, we the people, elected a Black Man into the most powerful position on Earth.  Not only that, he is a near-Socialist if not  an out-right one; his economic views call for a radical re-distribution of wealth, social healthcare, a global policy of inclusion and discourse.  Yet, and yet, twoof the states who voted for him overwhelmingly also, in the same breath, passed legislation that banned (or in the case of California, re-banned) same-sex marriage (yes, I am aware that the numbers haven't completely finished in California).  I find that idea infuriating. I am not surprised, mind you.  I know better than most, that most ethnic groups are conservative by nature.  If we can just get past the race thing (also welfare, abortion,

I am sick, so sick and tired, of the gays and lesbians, bi and tolerant people in this country continue to support politicians who DO NOT CONCEDED THAT THEY ARE HUMAN!.  I mean, really.  How much longer will the "best of evils" choice will be tolerated?  I pay my taxes as well as anyone.  I was born to two citizens, on American soil, and yet, and yet I am a second-class citizen by default.  Then again, what else can I expect?  Democracy is in and of itself idiotic.  The rule of the mob?  Really?  Hell, they don't even know who or what they are voting for most of the time, how it ties to anything in their lives.  Freedom to most is a concept of able to do what I want. . .but I don't like that so you shouldn't be able to?  

However, I am not pissed off.  I am horribly disappointed. We made huge strides ahead, and still so many more fall behind into the quagmires of lunacy.

Oh well, the Socialization of America comes. 

I know, on a deep level I should be happy.  I am not.  Maybe as time passes I can re-write my own mind.  Better yet, I may come to understand and accept the inevitable change into a totally new America.  The first painful complicated step toward globilization.  It may be extremist, gods know I have been wrong before, but it is what I see.  I may be able to cope with a Socialist America.  Yes, I am very aware that Bush fucked us on so many levels its fucking funny.  But remember, that can't be wielded as an excuse for long.  The common populace doesn't have a memory that long, nor comprehend the monumental task facing Obama.    

Fiscal conservatism is fucking dead.  I have to deal with that.  It is a truth now.  Absolute.

Social conservatism has stagnated.  All of it is nothing more than fans for flames an shutting off reason in followers on both side.

Social Liberalism:  See Social Conservatism above.

Global Politics:  Obama is popular.  However, I cannnot tell if its becuase the jackass is almost gone, they are, for some alien reason, fond of Obama, or if its the glee of untested raw meat.

I am ill at ease.

I am happy.

I am frustrated.

I am at a loss at my place in the world.

I may have to re-work my politcal viewpoint.  Imperalism is no longer remotely possible.  Social dreams can't move for years.  Arrgghhhh.


I wish I could dream.

I miss orgies damnit.


That is all.

Yeah, so here I am again.

Every so often, never for any reason that I have been able to ascertain, I look at groups of my friends and feel, without motives, as an outsider. Like, I don't belong with them. As part of them. As if our views of the world are totally opposing, or something. I can not, for the love of god nor cheese figure out why, but I do.

It is beginning to bother me quite a good bit, considering that when I feel this way, I begin to distance myself, pulling away. Making myself unavailable and aloof, so that I do not want to interfere in their lives and merriment. I feel like a beggar standing outside the halls of aristocrats, not wanted, eliciting only scorn adn derision. It is a strong, cored, unchangable part of my being that I do not venture where I am not wanted or needed. ANd in days like these, I feel that I am, indeed, not.

So, I go away.

I should simply vanish and return to the home of my mother. She needs me. Doesn't want me to though, getting a job and stuff in Frog Pond is a lot more difficult that doing so here. But there, I would only be a burden to the family, who have to take me in. Unlike friends, who should not be burdened by me.

Hunt from there, search here till I find job, then return. Possibly. An idea.

I shall take it under consideration.

Or, I'm not not wanted and am paranoid and in some severe need of affection/attention and indulgent compassion.

But I have no concepts of hwo to accept this, much less ask for it if it is, indeed, the case. I truly do hate being me sometimes.

QoD:: I just want to stop the universe and get off. Is that a crime?

So, my life is changing again. Again. I have no voive in it. No controls over it. Nothing. One of me mates is moving even further away and I can do/say nothing about it. I can fanthom his reasons, his motives and his purpose. All of which I personally believe to be bunk, but understand why he has to pursue. What bothers me about it, is that I feel as if I am being forsaken so that he can hail off and fuck over his life some more. With me not being there to help.

Nor should I be.

But it sucks all the same. Not being as important in someone's life as they are in yours.

And I am in suckage.

List five songs that you currently like. it doesn't matter what
genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're any
good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post
these instructions, the artist, and the song in your journal, then
tag five other people to see what they're listening to.

Strong enough Cher
Always on my mind Pet Shop Boys
Dante's Prayer Loreena McKinnet
Coin Operated Boy Dresden Dolls
One More Time Daft Punks

Whew, Thats pretty kewl actually. Alrighty. Tagging. Hell, do i even know five people on this thing?

Nope. Apparently not. But for the ones I do know. . .


gabrial_volt
kyrael
human_shell

TAG!! You are it.

Wedding was incredible. Short, simple, beautiful/ I feel better knowing that the Bride looked at the Groom with such love and ownership for me to feel at peace. So a toast: Upon reaching sand, may it turn to gold.

In about 3 days I will run hard and misserably into month six of my sexual drought. But I am far too upset over that to even get started.

Guess I am just saying HI. Wanna get laid. Don't see it happening. Sorry I didn't get to spend as much time with some of my friends from home as I would have liked.

and soon, night must fall.

So, here I am. I have nothing. I am nothing. I am hollowed by insight, intellect and emotional instability. Truth, bright, burning, unyeilding hath laid me low. I am nothing.

I am still not quite settled by my move into the land of Ice and Fear. I miss, far too much, my friends and associates and acquanitances back home. Yet, and yet. They do not seem to miss me.

At first, the realization that they were, for lack of a better term, avoiding my phone calls, refusing to respond to e-mail, or AIM for that matter, made me angry. Angrier than I have been at anyone in quite some time. Then it became a keening sorrow that hath filled many a page with poetic eloquence. Now, it is hollowed bone and bitter ashes. So be it. One of the things in grasping the death of my dreams, is that things change. One cannot be important to people for long. I have always known this. All things come to an end. So be it. I am too tired to care anymore.

I have my pack (mostly) and they shall have to suffice. May the Reckoning begin. I have nothing to lose.

Save my misery.

Never let it be said that I have neither the capacity nor the inclination to admit that I am wrong. This is woefully untrue. I am quite capable of eating crow, as it were, as long as too many people aren't aware of the feast. So, thank you Paedrig. Meeting you was indeed as entertaining as I had hoped/ Unfortunately, you have cut me to the quick. Mayhaps rejection is a dish I am too terrified to taste. Considering it may be too bitter, or simply hurtful. I am not sure. What I am sure of, however, is my nature to aknowledge a flaw within myself. And this, fear of rejection, nonsesnse, simply has to go.
Moving on, my Wizard and I were talking and decided that there are defiately some things about life that are bothersome. That being said, there are some changes we need to make, in each of us, that are essential for both of our mental and emotional well beings. Might even share them one day. However, for those friends of the Wizard I say "beware, for a dragon hath invaded his tower and whispers to him forbidden delights and unearthly yearnings." His preciously valued controls are all but gone. Now, if I could just find a muscle boy to throw at him to break him entirely. Oh well. . . .

Tah tah. ..

Quote of the Day {When something goes wrong, I'm teh first to admit it. The first to admit it, the last one to know. When something goes right, why, its likely to lose me. Its apt to confuse me, for its such an unnusual sight. I can't get used to something so right, something so right.}